silver01ta's Blog

You go to all these happy events all your life. You often wonder how you will feel when it is your turn. How will your friends and family react. What will it be like? 

All I have to say is as much as I have prepared myself for what happened.... after the dust settled and everything got quiet... Im still shocked at what actually transpired.

What was expected, actually came to fruition.... but what came about couldnt be expected.

The lesson is:

What good is a moat or a wall against a flood.... in the end... nature wins...

I often look down on those who choose suicide as a way out... its my opinion. I have always thought of suicide as a sign of weakness. And I have never wanted to show any weakness. Suicide is the cowards way out, but although I may not agree with it....  I understand.

I understand that people feel trapped and there is no way out.

I understand that the walls are closing in and there is nothing one can do.

I understand that the pain is just too much to bare.

I understand that all you look for is that sweet release.

I understand.

I would never take my own life. But I do have a deathwish. Does that mean that I am suicidal? I've been reckless all my life. Not caring whether I live or die. Doing whatever I want whenever I want no matter how many times Ive fought death... Ive always won. In the end I know I will lose one battle, and that is all it takes. Just one loss and you are gone forever. I have lots of pain and even more than that, lots of guilt. And that guilt is what makes me not care about me. I have taken so much from so many people that the only redemption is my eternal suffering.

One day I will face my maker and plead guilty to everything I have done. And Im ready for my punishment. Until then Im stuck in this prison of guilt and anguish. But I will NOT turn my own hand against myself. This is my punishment and I intend to see it through to the end.

Im am not suicidal, but I am reckless. Men who have seen and done things that I have done pray for death everyday, and everyday that it doesnt come... we think of that as one more day in our imprisonment. Until that day when the maker says you have served your time and now I release you.

Not caring and having no fear is not a good thing. I have committed suicide already though... Ive killed my soul. Now Im just an empty shell. Im no better than the ones I judge. No... actually Im far worse.

My mind is all over the place tonight.

 I like sitting back and observing and I have been observing this place (EP) for about a year and a half now.

I keep a low profile because I really dont want unwanted attention. I can take care of myself and handle anything that comes my way. Some people pure their hearts and souls out on EP and I say bravo to them. Others like to use that information as fuel for attacks. Still others pretend to be someone completely different on here.

I am who I say am. Im an arrogant, egotistical, selfish, womanizing bastard. Thats just the way I am. Im like that in real life, and Im like that on here. Im also a loyal, caring, and devoted friend. Its quite a paradigm. The ones I love, I love deeply, and the ones I hate, I hate with a rage that has never been witnessed. Within myself I am my own balance... maybe this is why I never am good at being in a relationship. Because in the end I dont need anyone for anything.

I dont know how to feel what I am feeling. I want to feel betrayed but at the same time I really dont care about such a petty feeling. Do I try to make myself feel the pain and would that make it a legitimate feeling. Or do I continue to go on completely dead inside. I dont know what to do. I love with all my heart and soul and yet I feel nothing at the same. Just a loyal servant waiting for the time when his master will sacrfice him to save his own skin. And the servant does it happily. I have no self preservation instinct. I dont run from danger, I walk calmly towards it. I dont run away from fear, I stare right back at it. This self destructive path I choose to follow might be the reason I never let anyone get close to me. I dont want them to.

For those who really know, you can decipher my metaphors. And for those really really know me, you can decipher the metaphor beneath the metaphor. Complex and complicated is the way I like to talk when it comes to my own life. Its just more fun this way and at the same time not fun at all.

Ive always been able to disappear from peoples lives. I show up do my thing, and then I vanish. I guess that is one of the better talents that I have aquired over the years.

Its not as if I do something wrong when I meet people, although that has been known to happen. Most of the time I just loose touch and just disappear as if I never existed.

Most of the time no one gets hurt. I've only hurt one person and that was my little sister. I had to disappear and it hurt her that wasnt there for 10 years.

I've done this numerous times to friends... or people who thought I was their friend. Im just not good at keeping relationships up. I dont even talk to my own family. People who are genetically programmed to keep in touch with me... I cant even talk to.

So anyways,

This is just my way of saying Im sorry to everyone for disappearing from lengths at a time. Its just what I do.

In one hand he had his tool.

In the other hand he had a glass of scotch.

Knowing full well of what he had to do

And the men he had to lead.

They all trusted in him.

And he trusted them.

The scotch was warm this night.

He drank it neat like he always did before a task.

But on this night....

All the scotch in the world could not perapre him for what he was about to see.

He put the glass down.

Wiped it clean.

Checked his equipment, and lead his mean to the task.

When it was all done, he had no words left.

That night left a permanent scar on his soul.

Everynight after he would revisit that moment in his dreams.

He would wake up hoping for a Nightmare at best.

Looking around and realizing it wasnt a nightmare,

He'd go back to bed and pray for death...

Hoping this nightmare would be his last.

1) Just because you were a great athelete at the age of 17 and 18 DOES NOT mean that after 10 years you can pick right back up where you left off. Your groin and hamstrings will hate you for a week for it.

2) Do not think you can come home at 6am and get up at 8am and be energetic all day. You will crash at one point.

3) Getting off at 3:30p is nice... but getting up at 4:30a is not.

4) HBO needs to show more boobies.

5) You need a rug.

6) Somehow you go through phones like crazy.... get a new phone.

7) Get a coffee mug, perferrably something with "Texas" on it. :)

**DISCLAIMER** - Im not looking for pity and I dont feel sorry for myself; nor do I want you to feel sorry for me, this is just me saying whats on my mind.

I think I realize now that we should have never met. A movie that was totally lame but really hit home for me was "The Butterfly Affect." If you havent seen it, and want to see it I suggest you stop reading now.

Ashton's character essentially goes back in time to try to save his relationship with his current girlfriend. He does this several times, but each time it ends in disaster. In the end, his final solution was to never start the relationship. And if anything (I had to get pased the fact that the concept of traveling back in time via journals is inherently stupid) I agreed with the last 15 minutes of the movie. 

She was always better off without me. She would have been even better had she not known me. Im not built for a relationship. I knew that from the begining. I thought I was when I was younger... but then I quickly found out who I was on the inside. Essentially I am the person who will always break her heart. Not in the sense that I will cheat on her. But more so on the emotional side. I will never open up to her. And I excel at telling half truths... which are worse than lies. I dont disclose information simply on the grounds that I dont think much is important. I have no passion in a relationship, I have no fire. And thats fine with me.

I am the soulless son-of-a-bitch I always was and always will be. Whatever you may think of me is just an illusion. Im not that nice guy who will bring her flowers, who will tell her he always loves her, who will show her he loves her. She'll have to take it at face value. If I say I love you, thats it. There is nothing else. No gifts, no "display of love," or whatever bullshit its called. Im all for sex and fucking. This whole "making love" is the dumbest shit Ive ever heard of. 

I did what I did when I was working for the Pentagon to a perfection. No one else could perform like I could. I have the mental and emotional (or lack thereof) skill sets. I dont need ANYONE to be honest. Im perfectly fine alone and in the dark. This is where I live, this is where I belong. You can try to change me. You can try to bring me into the light. But just dont blame me when you realize you wasted years of your life trying to make something work with "us." There is no "us" its just YOU and its just ME. Thats it.

I dont need a girlfriend, wife or lover. Give me my family, my dog, and maybe a hooker or two and lots of Scotch and Im in heaven.

My advice, for your own good stay away. If I could go back in time I would keep you from ever meeting me. But I have no flux capacitor.

The path ahead of me is lonely, dark, and perililous. And that just makes me smile. Maybe Im masochistic. Im not happy unless Im completely miserable. All I know is that you are better off with out me.

Peace out.

Its supposed to be like this!!

Man I have been going through a rollercoaster of emotions in the past few days....

From disappointed, to confused, to relieved, to excited, to disappointed, to crushed (thanks for that Dad), back to excited, back to confused....

So.... in times like these I take a step back and recenter myself. Normally I listen to the Navy Hymn.... but I think I need to go a bit further back to my roots.

So I pulled this song out of the library. A fusion of electronic, classical music,  and classical hindi.... beautiful words. But you dont need to understand them to fully grasp the calmness of the song.

So Im sharing it with all 10 people who like to read my blogs, LOL. If you ever need to find a peaceful song... try this one!

At a crossroads in mylife I realize that I now have two choices. Take the safe route and accept a job offer at a company that is near where I grew up, I know the layout, very easy transition.... OR hold out for that dream job to pop up. Right now Im leaning towards dream job but I have to make a decision in 7 hours....

There is also the invisible 3rd option... accept the offer to go to Iraq with hazard pay... will make a killing... but will probably be killed...

Who knows what I'll decide in the next 24 hours....

 **UPDATE**

When in doubt... choose invisible option D...what? Said no to the safe job... thinking about taking another job here in Austin... WHAT!? Thats right bitches.

Ive always been a fan of the Doors. Over the summer I went to my boy J's house in San Antonio and he spun an awesome record. Here is the jam! J didnt do it, he just spun it.

This song gets me all hyped! Lets do this!!

We know the issues are fucked up. We know the candidates are lame. But shit.... if they campaign like this... get some more voters!!

I gotta get myself hyped up for the Texas Tech game. I think this video about does it.

Now with college football starting this weekend and the NFL starting next weekend, I got a good source of testosterone. But when they play some crap game on ESPN like.... oh I dunno.... Rutgers or some other non top 10 team... I change the channel.

Usually I land on HGTV or the WE channel. Yes I said it. Sometimes I'll watch the WE channel. Ive noticed I have homosexual tendencies every now and then. I check out dudes all the time but Im not sexually attracted to them. I just like looking at people. Obviously I look at women. Thats pretty much 90% of my day. Anywho... so I was up late watching Wedding Cake Masters, and those of you who know me know that I just LOVE cake. So after salivating for an hour during wedding cake masters I saw a commercial for the next show "Bridezillas." Ive heard of the term but have never seen it.

The current episode had a dude who was a "groomzilla" and a girl who was a complete BITCH. The dude was this 350lb guy who tought he was the most handsome man in the world. Im no prize myself and I know I can be concieted sometimes... but this guy was way more into himself than me. But enough about him. They featured another "couple" and I use that term loosely because the girl in this "relationship" (again another term used loosely) was a COMPLETE BITCH. She wasnt a bridezilla... she was a straight up bitch. And I cant emphasize that enough.

THE RED FLAGS.

1) When a girl says "SHUT UP, DAD. JUST SHUT UP" in front of people and a camera crew. You know how she will treat her husband.

2) When you see the mother of the girl who whines and complains about every little thing, you know how the daughter will be and possbily look like in 30 years.

3) When a girl says "I OWN YOUR ASS" in front of your friends.... thats when you kick her ass down the stairs.

4) When a girl treats you like a five year old in front of EVERYONE.... that when you get the fuck outta there.

If I have a daughter, I will teach her to #1) Respect Me, #2) Respect herself, and #3) Respect others. The whole time Im watching this getting madder and madder. I was mad at the groom for just letting this girl walk all over him. That my friends is going to be a shitty marriage. That guy is going to find love in the arms of another girl real quick. Its just a shame to see a guy loose his manhood in front of everyone. I have enough pride and common sense. Its not her way or the highway, because if I meet a girl like that, I am kicking her ass to the curb.

For those of you who watch "That 70s Show", the girl I am describing is just like Jackie. The only difference is Jackie is hot so you put up with it. Where as this girl... not so much. So ladies... if you think you can be a complete bitch... the only way you are going to get away with it is if you find a complete spineless sap... or you are at least a 9.5.