You are better off with out me. | silver01ta's Blog

**DISCLAIMER** - Im not looking for pity and I dont feel sorry for myself; nor do I want you to feel sorry for me, this is just me saying whats on my mind.

I think I realize now that we should have never met. A movie that was totally lame but really hit home for me was "The Butterfly Affect." If you havent seen it, and want to see it I suggest you stop reading now.

Ashton's character essentially goes back in time to try to save his relationship with his current girlfriend. He does this several times, but each time it ends in disaster. In the end, his final solution was to never start the relationship. And if anything (I had to get pased the fact that the concept of traveling back in time via journals is inherently stupid) I agreed with the last 15 minutes of the movie. 

She was always better off without me. She would have been even better had she not known me. Im not built for a relationship. I knew that from the begining. I thought I was when I was younger... but then I quickly found out who I was on the inside. Essentially I am the person who will always break her heart. Not in the sense that I will cheat on her. But more so on the emotional side. I will never open up to her. And I excel at telling half truths... which are worse than lies. I dont disclose information simply on the grounds that I dont think much is important. I have no passion in a relationship, I have no fire. And thats fine with me.

I am the soulless son-of-a-bitch I always was and always will be. Whatever you may think of me is just an illusion. Im not that nice guy who will bring her flowers, who will tell her he always loves her, who will show her he loves her. She'll have to take it at face value. If I say I love you, thats it. There is nothing else. No gifts, no "display of love," or whatever bullshit its called. Im all for sex and fucking. This whole "making love" is the dumbest shit Ive ever heard of. 

I did what I did when I was working for the Pentagon to a perfection. No one else could perform like I could. I have the mental and emotional (or lack thereof) skill sets. I dont need ANYONE to be honest. Im perfectly fine alone and in the dark. This is where I live, this is where I belong. You can try to change me. You can try to bring me into the light. But just dont blame me when you realize you wasted years of your life trying to make something work with "us." There is no "us" its just YOU and its just ME. Thats it.

I dont need a girlfriend, wife or lover. Give me my family, my dog, and maybe a hooker or two and lots of Scotch and Im in heaven.

My advice, for your own good stay away. If I could go back in time I would keep you from ever meeting me. But I have no flux capacitor.

The path ahead of me is lonely, dark, and perililous. And that just makes me smile. Maybe Im masochistic. Im not happy unless Im completely miserable. All I know is that you are better off with out me.

Peace out.