Empty shell | silver01ta's Blog

I often look down on those who choose suicide as a way out... its my opinion. I have always thought of suicide as a sign of weakness. And I have never wanted to show any weakness. Suicide is the cowards way out, but although I may not agree with it....  I understand.

I understand that people feel trapped and there is no way out.

I understand that the walls are closing in and there is nothing one can do.

I understand that the pain is just too much to bare.

I understand that all you look for is that sweet release.

I understand.

I would never take my own life. But I do have a deathwish. Does that mean that I am suicidal? I've been reckless all my life. Not caring whether I live or die. Doing whatever I want whenever I want no matter how many times Ive fought death... Ive always won. In the end I know I will lose one battle, and that is all it takes. Just one loss and you are gone forever. I have lots of pain and even more than that, lots of guilt. And that guilt is what makes me not care about me. I have taken so much from so many people that the only redemption is my eternal suffering.

One day I will face my maker and plead guilty to everything I have done. And Im ready for my punishment. Until then Im stuck in this prison of guilt and anguish. But I will NOT turn my own hand against myself. This is my punishment and I intend to see it through to the end.

Im am not suicidal, but I am reckless. Men who have seen and done things that I have done pray for death everyday, and everyday that it doesnt come... we think of that as one more day in our imprisonment. Until that day when the maker says you have served your time and now I release you.

Not caring and having no fear is not a good thing. I have committed suicide already though... Ive killed my soul. Now Im just an empty shell. Im no better than the ones I judge. No... actually Im far worse.