Metaphorical Ghost | silver01ta's Blog

My mind is all over the place tonight.

 I like sitting back and observing and I have been observing this place (EP) for about a year and a half now.

I keep a low profile because I really dont want unwanted attention. I can take care of myself and handle anything that comes my way. Some people pure their hearts and souls out on EP and I say bravo to them. Others like to use that information as fuel for attacks. Still others pretend to be someone completely different on here.

I am who I say am. Im an arrogant, egotistical, selfish, womanizing bastard. Thats just the way I am. Im like that in real life, and Im like that on here. Im also a loyal, caring, and devoted friend. Its quite a paradigm. The ones I love, I love deeply, and the ones I hate, I hate with a rage that has never been witnessed. Within myself I am my own balance... maybe this is why I never am good at being in a relationship. Because in the end I dont need anyone for anything.

I dont know how to feel what I am feeling. I want to feel betrayed but at the same time I really dont care about such a petty feeling. Do I try to make myself feel the pain and would that make it a legitimate feeling. Or do I continue to go on completely dead inside. I dont know what to do. I love with all my heart and soul and yet I feel nothing at the same. Just a loyal servant waiting for the time when his master will sacrfice him to save his own skin. And the servant does it happily. I have no self preservation instinct. I dont run from danger, I walk calmly towards it. I dont run away from fear, I stare right back at it. This self destructive path I choose to follow might be the reason I never let anyone get close to me. I dont want them to.

For those who really know, you can decipher my metaphors. And for those really really know me, you can decipher the metaphor beneath the metaphor. Complex and complicated is the way I like to talk when it comes to my own life. Its just more fun this way and at the same time not fun at all.