In one hand he had his tool.

In the other hand he had a glass of scotch.

Knowing full well of what he had to do

And the men he had to lead.

They all trusted in him.

And he trusted them.

The scotch was warm this night.

He drank it neat like he always did before a task.

But on this night....

All the scotch in the world could not perapre him for what he was about to see.

He put the glass down.

Wiped it clean.

Checked his equipment, and lead his mean to the task.

When it was all done, he had no words left.

That night left a permanent scar on his soul.

Everynight after he would revisit that moment in his dreams.

He would wake up hoping for a Nightmare at best.

Looking around and realizing it wasnt a nightmare,

He'd go back to bed and pray for death...

Hoping this nightmare would be his last.

1) Just because you were a great athelete at the age of 17 and 18 DOES NOT mean that after 10 years you can pick right back up where you left off. Your groin and hamstrings will hate you for a week for it.

2) Do not think you can come home at 6am and get up at 8am and be energetic all day. You will crash at one point.

3) Getting off at 3:30p is nice... but getting up at 4:30a is not.

4) HBO needs to show more boobies.

5) You need a rug.

6) Somehow you go through phones like crazy.... get a new phone.

7) Get a coffee mug, perferrably something with "Texas" on it. :)

**DISCLAIMER** - Im not looking for pity and I dont feel sorry for myself; nor do I want you to feel sorry for me, this is just me saying whats on my mind.

I think I realize now that we should have never met. A movie that was totally lame but really hit home for me was "The Butterfly Affect." If you havent seen it, and want to see it I suggest you stop reading now.

Ashton's character essentially goes back in time to try to save his relationship with his current girlfriend. He does this several times, but each time it ends in disaster. In the end, his final solution was to never start the relationship. And if anything (I had to get pased the fact that the concept of traveling back in time via journals is inherently stupid) I agreed with the last 15 minutes of the movie. 

She was always better off without me. She would have been even better had she not known me. Im not built for a relationship. I knew that from the begining. I thought I was when I was younger... but then I quickly found out who I was on the inside. Essentially I am the person who will always break her heart. Not in the sense that I will cheat on her. But more so on the emotional side. I will never open up to her. And I excel at telling half truths... which are worse than lies. I dont disclose information simply on the grounds that I dont think much is important. I have no passion in a relationship, I have no fire. And thats fine with me.

I am the soulless son-of-a-bitch I always was and always will be. Whatever you may think of me is just an illusion. Im not that nice guy who will bring her flowers, who will tell her he always loves her, who will show her he loves her. She'll have to take it at face value. If I say I love you, thats it. There is nothing else. No gifts, no "display of love," or whatever bullshit its called. Im all for sex and fucking. This whole "making love" is the dumbest shit Ive ever heard of. 

I did what I did when I was working for the Pentagon to a perfection. No one else could perform like I could. I have the mental and emotional (or lack thereof) skill sets. I dont need ANYONE to be honest. Im perfectly fine alone and in the dark. This is where I live, this is where I belong. You can try to change me. You can try to bring me into the light. But just dont blame me when you realize you wasted years of your life trying to make something work with "us." There is no "us" its just YOU and its just ME. Thats it.

I dont need a girlfriend, wife or lover. Give me my family, my dog, and maybe a hooker or two and lots of Scotch and Im in heaven.

My advice, for your own good stay away. If I could go back in time I would keep you from ever meeting me. But I have no flux capacitor.

The path ahead of me is lonely, dark, and perililous. And that just makes me smile. Maybe Im masochistic. Im not happy unless Im completely miserable. All I know is that you are better off with out me.

Peace out.

Its supposed to be like this!!

Man I have been going through a rollercoaster of emotions in the past few days....

From disappointed, to confused, to relieved, to excited, to disappointed, to crushed (thanks for that Dad), back to excited, back to confused....

So.... in times like these I take a step back and recenter myself. Normally I listen to the Navy Hymn.... but I think I need to go a bit further back to my roots.

So I pulled this song out of the library. A fusion of electronic, classical music,  and classical hindi.... beautiful words. But you dont need to understand them to fully grasp the calmness of the song.

So Im sharing it with all 10 people who like to read my blogs, LOL. If you ever need to find a peaceful song... try this one!

At a crossroads in mylife I realize that I now have two choices. Take the safe route and accept a job offer at a company that is near where I grew up, I know the layout, very easy transition.... OR hold out for that dream job to pop up. Right now Im leaning towards dream job but I have to make a decision in 7 hours....

There is also the invisible 3rd option... accept the offer to go to Iraq with hazard pay... will make a killing... but will probably be killed...

Who knows what I'll decide in the next 24 hours....

 **UPDATE**

When in doubt... choose invisible option D...what? Said no to the safe job... thinking about taking another job here in Austin... WHAT!? Thats right bitches.

Ive always been a fan of the Doors. Over the summer I went to my boy J's house in San Antonio and he spun an awesome record. Here is the jam! J didnt do it, he just spun it.

This song gets me all hyped! Lets do this!!

We know the issues are fucked up. We know the candidates are lame. But shit.... if they campaign like this... get some more voters!!

I gotta get myself hyped up for the Texas Tech game. I think this video about does it.

Now with college football starting this weekend and the NFL starting next weekend, I got a good source of testosterone. But when they play some crap game on ESPN like.... oh I dunno.... Rutgers or some other non top 10 team... I change the channel.

Usually I land on HGTV or the WE channel. Yes I said it. Sometimes I'll watch the WE channel. Ive noticed I have homosexual tendencies every now and then. I check out dudes all the time but Im not sexually attracted to them. I just like looking at people. Obviously I look at women. Thats pretty much 90% of my day. Anywho... so I was up late watching Wedding Cake Masters, and those of you who know me know that I just LOVE cake. So after salivating for an hour during wedding cake masters I saw a commercial for the next show "Bridezillas." Ive heard of the term but have never seen it.

The current episode had a dude who was a "groomzilla" and a girl who was a complete BITCH. The dude was this 350lb guy who tought he was the most handsome man in the world. Im no prize myself and I know I can be concieted sometimes... but this guy was way more into himself than me. But enough about him. They featured another "couple" and I use that term loosely because the girl in this "relationship" (again another term used loosely) was a COMPLETE BITCH. She wasnt a bridezilla... she was a straight up bitch. And I cant emphasize that enough.

THE RED FLAGS.

1) When a girl says "SHUT UP, DAD. JUST SHUT UP" in front of people and a camera crew. You know how she will treat her husband.

2) When you see the mother of the girl who whines and complains about every little thing, you know how the daughter will be and possbily look like in 30 years.

3) When a girl says "I OWN YOUR ASS" in front of your friends.... thats when you kick her ass down the stairs.

4) When a girl treats you like a five year old in front of EVERYONE.... that when you get the fuck outta there.

If I have a daughter, I will teach her to #1) Respect Me, #2) Respect herself, and #3) Respect others. The whole time Im watching this getting madder and madder. I was mad at the groom for just letting this girl walk all over him. That my friends is going to be a shitty marriage. That guy is going to find love in the arms of another girl real quick. Its just a shame to see a guy loose his manhood in front of everyone. I have enough pride and common sense. Its not her way or the highway, because if I meet a girl like that, I am kicking her ass to the curb.

For those of you who watch "That 70s Show", the girl I am describing is just like Jackie. The only difference is Jackie is hot so you put up with it. Where as this girl... not so much. So ladies... if you think you can be a complete bitch... the only way you are going to get away with it is if you find a complete spineless sap... or you are at least a 9.5.
 

This weekend there was a big "celebration" for my dad.

Aside from the poor planning of the whole event, it just didnt go well at all. One of the good things was that my uncle came from chicago. I had a good chat with him, and he always puts me in a good mood.

Essentially everytime I go home, I get to hear about how I need to do this or do that and how I've wasted my life and so on. Well I didnt get this, this time. What I got was more isolation. Everyone had a major part in my Dad's celebration. I was given the assignment of clean up and trash duty whilst everyone else was given assignments for speeches and such. That kind of stung me a tad bit, but I didnt mind seeing as how I am always treated like an outsider in my own family. Once everyone gets together, I essentially do not exist anymore.

I am a little irritated with my older brother. He apparently gave a heart felt speech about my Dad. He told everyone he made it up on the spot. I found it quite interesting that more than half of it were things that I always said about my father. It didnt irritate me that my brother got to give the speech using my thoughts. I guess it irritated me more that he claimed that those were his thoughts on my father. Its funny though, he used some of the EXACT phrases that I would tell him when we would talk about Dad.

I guess this trip down to Dallas didnt make me feel like complete crap. It just made me feel worthless in the eyes of my family. I got to spend time with my little sister and we had a good time. But other than that, this weekend reassured me that I have no place in my own family. Well I do have a place, its called, sanitation duty. Well I guess since I am treated like garbage, I might as well be given charge of it seeing as how I am so familiar with it.

The four tortured souls who worked together were not always so evil...

At one point in time they were simply normal men.

This is the sotry of the one who bore the name War.

He grew up in a different home than most children.

Where most children were always given praises for the their triumphs...

He would recieve criticism because his triumphs were never good enough.

Growing up he never fit into any crowd.

He was never smart, he was never socially popular.

He was your average human being with average looks.

Tragedy struck him when he was a young man and he had to grow up very quickly.

From the tragedy people noticed his superior strategic skills.

He could analyze a situation and remain clam and make the proper decisions.

Unfortunately he never had the same success when it came to love.

Love is something that he never understood.

He craved to be love but he never found it.

He then devoted his love to his friends and family only.

The Master was always watching him from afar.

The Master approached this man and requested his loyalty.

The man wanted nothing from the Master in return.

The Master knew he found his best soldier.

The Master did not have to do anything to this man.

He was perfect for the Master the he was.

This man became War.

War could commit horrid acts without thought.

He had no soul.

He had no time for love.

In fact he never wanted anything to do with love again.

To him love was just another tool for weak.

Of the men under the Master's command...

War served the Master the best.

Always following orders, always completing his tasks.

Ready to burn the world down at a moments notice.

War rid himself of his soul and his emotions.

For years War did his job silently and perfectly.

Until one day he snapped and left.

No one knows where the sudden change came from.

Famine and Pestilence followed War.

He was a natural leader.

A charasmatic individual who bring light into a dark room....

or fill a bright room with darkness.

Of the four, he paid the biggest price.

He lost his soul.

His punishment was not death.

But life.

Life with the guilt.

Life with no peace.

Life with nightmares of the unspeakable crimes.

Life with no light.

Only darkness.

So is the story of War.

His punishment was life itself...
 

The four tortured souls who worked together were not always so evil...

At one point in time they were simply normal men.

This is the story of the one who bore famine...

He never had a normal life.

Growing up he was always the smallest, always the skinniest, always the weakest.

But what he lacked in physical strength, he made up for with geinusness.

Most would call him mad, but there is a fine line between geinusness and maddness.

People would always pick on him in his younger days.

He never had friends.

He never had lovers.

He was always alone.

Despite his many hardships, he progressed through life and left the small town he grew up in behind.

He went on a big university.

Unfortunately he struggled to aquire friendship and remained alone.

The one day, she reached out to him.

She saw the man behind the physical appearance.

She saw the brilliance behind the shyiness.

She saw the wonderful person he truely was.

His physical appearance began to change.

He started to dress better and improve his style.

But unfortunately this relationship was not meant to be.

His dependance on her was his downfall.

She wanted a strong independant man... not someone who would cling to her constantly.

She ended the relationship with him.

He could not let go, he was a fighter in his heart, but in the end, his depedance on her drove her further and further away from him.

He returned to his old ways.

But this time, he was bitter, cold and angry.

He felt as though she betrayed him.

The Master was always watching him from afar.

The Master approached this man and requested his loyalty.

In return the Master promised to reunite this man with his lost love.

Unfortunately the love the Master was talking about was not the same love this man had in mind.

The Master turned this man, this shy, weak, brilliant man into one of the four he needed.

He became Famine.

One would describe him as a thin, weak, unattractive specimen.

Not a muscle in his body.

Always dressed in large clothing to cover up his physical weakness.

But the universe is not completely harsh in its punishment.

He still possessed the ability to love someone with all his heart.

But each time he would try, he would be betrayed or rejected.

Famine's geinus turned to maddness.

He was the perfect soldier for the Master.

And he served the Master well...

Creating all kinds of methods to stike down the supply of nurishment of the Master's enemies.

He brought starvation and thirst to those who would oppose the Master and many innocents along the way.

This is the story of the Man called Famine.

But what the Master did not realize...

Was that eventually... the man would renounce his position...

And cast off his robes... and atone for his crimes against humanity.

But what the Man did not realize... was that there was always someone to replace him...