silver01ta's Blog

A long time ago, someone said some cryptic words to me that I brushed off as crazy nonesense

Now as I am older I am starting to see that come to fruition.

I am getting what I deserve, this is a shitty part of life, but its reality.

This is going to be simple. You never know when your time is up... and when the end comes near... you find that there is just not enough time to do things you love or be with the ones you love.

- A

Dear B.,

How much time do we have....

The answer is never enough.

We never have enough time to spend with those we love... and then they are gone.
We never have enough time to do the things we love... and then we cant do them any more.
We never have enough time.

I guess Im in this mood right now. Im writing this more for myself than anyone else. There is never enough time. There is defintely no time to be depressed or sad because we could be spending that time doing the things we love... or being with the people we love.

I believe that we have the power to achieve anything in life. We just need that chance. I love that line from "The Persuit of Happiness"

"Hey... Don´t ever let somebody tell you, you can´t to something. Not even me... Alright? You got a dream, you gotta protect it. People can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you that you can't do it. You want something? Go get it. Period." (Christopher Gardner)

I guess that is what Im trying to say. I dont like to lose. I hate it. Im so competitive in life that I have to win. But Im so stupid that if I know I will lose I take myself out of the game.

That is no way to live. There is not enough time on this earth to loath in self pity. Even if I fail... I can always say I gave it my all.

I should have tried harder. I should have fought more. But my stubborness and pride got in the way.

I just want you to know that we can accomplish ANYTHING. And we can DO anything.

We are strong on our own.... but stronger together.

- A

The four tortured souls who worked together were not always so evil...

At one point in time they were simply normal men.

This is the story of the one who bore the name Fury.

Fury was a man with a fire in his heart that could not be tamed.

He always found success in life when it came to simple tasks.

He was naturally strong and physically gifted.

At a young age Fury loved attention...

As he grew older he realized he could not live with out it.

Although he was strong physically, his soul was inherently weak.

Wanting to prove himself he went out into the world to find the ultimate adventure

The Master was watchful and guided him into his relm

Fury found the Master's challenges to be one of a lifetime.

What Fury did not realized was that the price of this adventure would ulitimately cost him his soul....

.... and his life.

Fury served the Master along with the others for many years.

One day Fury could not handle the consequences of his actions.

His brothers, the new men he worked with, tried to convince him to stay.

But Fury as his name is, could not be contained.

The Master let him walk away know that he would never talk about his work.

Fury's rage utilimately turned on himself....

One day he was gone...

Easily replacable but never replaced.... this is the story of Fury.

May he rest in peace.

I often told myself that I would never rebound on a girl. I don't know if that is something that I can be true. I am recently coming out of a 10 year relationship. The hardest thing to realize is that the dating scene has changed dramatically. The hardest thing now is to find attractive women who I enjoy talking to. They are out there, I just don't know where. But that brings me to my point, am I in the rebound phase or not. What is the rebound phase. I have never had a 22 hour date before. Coming off a divorce had not clouded my judgment, something like that is rare. But what if I am under the rebound spell. Are 22 hour dates common? I have never had one in my life. Essentially I ask my self ... Am I ready? I think I am but now doubt starts creeping in my head. I dont think I am because I told the current girl I am seeing that if I get in the way of her plans she needs to cut me loose. I understand that women my doubt my state of mind, and they have every right to. I think as long admin think of others, and put their feelings first,I will not fall into the rebound trap.

We drift by each other,
Two souls searching for a home.
The world is full of many beautiful things,
And we fear we will be forgotten

Like tears in the rain or breaths in the wind,
We lose ourself in everything around us.
We would give our soul if it still existed,
Now all that is left is a ghost of a man, empty and hollow.

The old soul has won the battle,
And darkness has overcome the light.
For years he has been patiently waiting,
biding the time to strike and exstinguish the light once and for all.

Now more than ever, we are lost.
The beacon that guided the soul is gone.
Now it drifts in the darkness,
And we feel safe.

Being alone is what we know
Being souless is who we are
Being hated is what we love
Being lost is where we belong

I always loved Lord of War. When I saw that movie, it slapped me in the face because it showed the other side of war, the victims. And here I was a proponent of war, making money of the suffering and death of others.

When I look back I have no real feelings about what I did. I dont know how to feel anyways.

War has always facinated me. But the war that facinates me the most is the war I constantly do with myself. When you go to war with yourself, you will always lose.

Essentially, I can not change who or what I am. It is now evident that my path forward is one that only I can take alone. I can not go down a path with another person, and I will not bring anyone down my path... for my path is one that is full of darkness.

Some of us are just destined to be the bad guy. And im fine with that.

You go to all these happy events all your life. You often wonder how you will feel when it is your turn. How will your friends and family react. What will it be like? 

All I have to say is as much as I have prepared myself for what happened.... after the dust settled and everything got quiet... Im still shocked at what actually transpired.

What was expected, actually came to fruition.... but what came about couldnt be expected.

The lesson is:

What good is a moat or a wall against a flood.... in the end... nature wins...

I often look down on those who choose suicide as a way out... its my opinion. I have always thought of suicide as a sign of weakness. And I have never wanted to show any weakness. Suicide is the cowards way out, but although I may not agree with it....  I understand.

I understand that people feel trapped and there is no way out.

I understand that the walls are closing in and there is nothing one can do.

I understand that the pain is just too much to bare.

I understand that all you look for is that sweet release.

I understand.

I would never take my own life. But I do have a deathwish. Does that mean that I am suicidal? I've been reckless all my life. Not caring whether I live or die. Doing whatever I want whenever I want no matter how many times Ive fought death... Ive always won. In the end I know I will lose one battle, and that is all it takes. Just one loss and you are gone forever. I have lots of pain and even more than that, lots of guilt. And that guilt is what makes me not care about me. I have taken so much from so many people that the only redemption is my eternal suffering.

One day I will face my maker and plead guilty to everything I have done. And Im ready for my punishment. Until then Im stuck in this prison of guilt and anguish. But I will NOT turn my own hand against myself. This is my punishment and I intend to see it through to the end.

Im am not suicidal, but I am reckless. Men who have seen and done things that I have done pray for death everyday, and everyday that it doesnt come... we think of that as one more day in our imprisonment. Until that day when the maker says you have served your time and now I release you.

Not caring and having no fear is not a good thing. I have committed suicide already though... Ive killed my soul. Now Im just an empty shell. Im no better than the ones I judge. No... actually Im far worse.

My mind is all over the place tonight.

 I like sitting back and observing and I have been observing this place (EP) for about a year and a half now.

I keep a low profile because I really dont want unwanted attention. I can take care of myself and handle anything that comes my way. Some people pure their hearts and souls out on EP and I say bravo to them. Others like to use that information as fuel for attacks. Still others pretend to be someone completely different on here.

I am who I say am. Im an arrogant, egotistical, selfish, womanizing bastard. Thats just the way I am. Im like that in real life, and Im like that on here. Im also a loyal, caring, and devoted friend. Its quite a paradigm. The ones I love, I love deeply, and the ones I hate, I hate with a rage that has never been witnessed. Within myself I am my own balance... maybe this is why I never am good at being in a relationship. Because in the end I dont need anyone for anything.

I dont know how to feel what I am feeling. I want to feel betrayed but at the same time I really dont care about such a petty feeling. Do I try to make myself feel the pain and would that make it a legitimate feeling. Or do I continue to go on completely dead inside. I dont know what to do. I love with all my heart and soul and yet I feel nothing at the same. Just a loyal servant waiting for the time when his master will sacrfice him to save his own skin. And the servant does it happily. I have no self preservation instinct. I dont run from danger, I walk calmly towards it. I dont run away from fear, I stare right back at it. This self destructive path I choose to follow might be the reason I never let anyone get close to me. I dont want them to.

For those who really know, you can decipher my metaphors. And for those really really know me, you can decipher the metaphor beneath the metaphor. Complex and complicated is the way I like to talk when it comes to my own life. Its just more fun this way and at the same time not fun at all.

Ive always been able to disappear from peoples lives. I show up do my thing, and then I vanish. I guess that is one of the better talents that I have aquired over the years.

Its not as if I do something wrong when I meet people, although that has been known to happen. Most of the time I just loose touch and just disappear as if I never existed.

Most of the time no one gets hurt. I've only hurt one person and that was my little sister. I had to disappear and it hurt her that wasnt there for 10 years.

I've done this numerous times to friends... or people who thought I was their friend. Im just not good at keeping relationships up. I dont even talk to my own family. People who are genetically programmed to keep in touch with me... I cant even talk to.

So anyways,

This is just my way of saying Im sorry to everyone for disappearing from lengths at a time. Its just what I do.

 

In one hand he had his tool.

In the other hand he had a glass of scotch.

Knowing full well of what he had to do

And the men he had to lead.

They all trusted in him.

And he trusted them.

The scotch was warm this night.

He drank it neat like he always did before a task.

But on this night....

All the scotch in the world could not perapre him for what he was about to see.

He put the glass down.

Wiped it clean.

Checked his equipment, and lead his mean to the task.

When it was all done, he had no words left.

That night left a permanent scar on his soul.

Everynight after he would revisit that moment in his dreams.

He would wake up hoping for a Nightmare at best.

Looking around and realizing it wasnt a nightmare,

He'd go back to bed and pray for death...

Hoping this nightmare would be his last.

1) Just because you were a great athelete at the age of 17 and 18 DOES NOT mean that after 10 years you can pick right back up where you left off. Your groin and hamstrings will hate you for a week for it.

2) Do not think you can come home at 6am and get up at 8am and be energetic all day. You will crash at one point.

3) Getting off at 3:30p is nice... but getting up at 4:30a is not.

4) HBO needs to show more boobies.

5) You need a rug.

6) Somehow you go through phones like crazy.... get a new phone.

7) Get a coffee mug, perferrably something with "Texas" on it. :)

**DISCLAIMER** - Im not looking for pity and I dont feel sorry for myself; nor do I want you to feel sorry for me, this is just me saying whats on my mind.

I think I realize now that we should have never met. A movie that was totally lame but really hit home for me was "The Butterfly Affect." If you havent seen it, and want to see it I suggest you stop reading now.

Ashton's character essentially goes back in time to try to save his relationship with his current girlfriend. He does this several times, but each time it ends in disaster. In the end, his final solution was to never start the relationship. And if anything (I had to get pased the fact that the concept of traveling back in time via journals is inherently stupid) I agreed with the last 15 minutes of the movie. 

She was always better off without me. She would have been even better had she not known me. Im not built for a relationship. I knew that from the begining. I thought I was when I was younger... but then I quickly found out who I was on the inside. Essentially I am the person who will always break her heart. Not in the sense that I will cheat on her. But more so on the emotional side. I will never open up to her. And I excel at telling half truths... which are worse than lies. I dont disclose information simply on the grounds that I dont think much is important. I have no passion in a relationship, I have no fire. And thats fine with me.

I am the soulless son-of-a-bitch I always was and always will be. Whatever you may think of me is just an illusion. Im not that nice guy who will bring her flowers, who will tell her he always loves her, who will show her he loves her. She'll have to take it at face value. If I say I love you, thats it. There is nothing else. No gifts, no "display of love," or whatever bullshit its called. Im all for sex and fucking. This whole "making love" is the dumbest shit Ive ever heard of. 

I did what I did when I was working for the Pentagon to a perfection. No one else could perform like I could. I have the mental and emotional (or lack thereof) skill sets. I dont need ANYONE to be honest. Im perfectly fine alone and in the dark. This is where I live, this is where I belong. You can try to change me. You can try to bring me into the light. But just dont blame me when you realize you wasted years of your life trying to make something work with "us." There is no "us" its just YOU and its just ME. Thats it.

I dont need a girlfriend, wife or lover. Give me my family, my dog, and maybe a hooker or two and lots of Scotch and Im in heaven.

My advice, for your own good stay away. If I could go back in time I would keep you from ever meeting me. But I have no flux capacitor.

The path ahead of me is lonely, dark, and perililous. And that just makes me smile. Maybe Im masochistic. Im not happy unless Im completely miserable. All I know is that you are better off with out me.

Peace out.

Its supposed to be like this!!

Man I have been going through a rollercoaster of emotions in the past few days....

From disappointed, to confused, to relieved, to excited, to disappointed, to crushed (thanks for that Dad), back to excited, back to confused....

So.... in times like these I take a step back and recenter myself. Normally I listen to the Navy Hymn.... but I think I need to go a bit further back to my roots.

So I pulled this song out of the library. A fusion of electronic, classical music,  and classical hindi.... beautiful words. But you dont need to understand them to fully grasp the calmness of the song.

So Im sharing it with all 10 people who like to read my blogs, LOL. If you ever need to find a peaceful song... try this one!

 

At a crossroads in mylife I realize that I now have two choices. Take the safe route and accept a job offer at a company that is near where I grew up, I know the layout, very easy transition.... OR hold out for that dream job to pop up. Right now Im leaning towards dream job but I have to make a decision in 7 hours....

There is also the invisible 3rd option... accept the offer to go to Iraq with hazard pay... will make a killing... but will probably be killed...

Who knows what I'll decide in the next 24 hours....

 **UPDATE**

When in doubt... choose invisible option D...what? Said no to the safe job... thinking about taking another job here in Austin... WHAT!? Thats right bitches.

Ive always been a fan of the Doors. Over the summer I went to my boy J's house in San Antonio and he spun an awesome record. Here is the jam! J didnt do it, he just spun it.

This song gets me all hyped! Lets do this!!

 

We know the issues are fucked up. We know the candidates are lame. But shit.... if they campaign like this... get some more voters!!

 

I gotta get myself hyped up for the Texas Tech game. I think this video about does it.